


Holding On and Letting Go

by Theincrediblesulkmachine



Category: Vampire Knight (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Heavy?, Old work, Ross Copperman- Holding on and Letting Go, Song fic, Zero-centric, implied Yume, implied Zeki, not really about relationships, unedited, written atleast six years ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 03:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theincrediblesulkmachine/pseuds/Theincrediblesulkmachine
Summary: He had always been manipulated into his decisions, whether he knew it or not. But this one was his and his alone and he refused to be swayed.





	Holding On and Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old work of mine, from when i was still in this fandom. Its probably dated atleast six years ago, so try not to judge my little emo heart too hard on the quality of writing and/or content.
> 
> I have no idea what happened at or beyond this point: i think i only ever made it to chapter 40 of the manga.
> 
> I do not own Vampire Knight. However, Zero is and always will be my favourite.

* * *

 

 **Is anybody out there?**  
**Is anybody listening?**  
**Does anybody really know?**  
**If it's the end of our beginning,**

* * *

 

His face was unreadable, as he pushed open the large, imposing wrought-iron gates. He worked hard at keeping it that way; it was his last (rather feeble) defence from a prying, sadistic world that took pleasure in the discomfort of others.

The sun was shining brightly; the blue sky, clear with a scattering of cirrus clouds; The grass was an equally cheerful, lush green and the birds were chirping merrily, as if to invite him into their merry corner of life... but there was no place in his darkness-shrouded existence for happiness. No corner in his being that was open to such frivolities. Trivialities like happiness were for people who had lives very different from his; people who had not seen death and suffering at every turn of their life. Or rather, been the cause of said death and suffering... He had taken, by force, something he had no right over. He had adopted the customs of this world, before he had even opened his eyes to it. That infringement had left a part of him weak and helpless, and that part...  _Ichiru..._ who he had loved  _so_  dearly, more than anything, had harboured naught but hatred for him. His furious, cold words of then echoed in his mind, a constant reminder of his sins:

_"And Zero, that i loved? I actually hated..."_

He sighed, deep in  _'Ichiru, i would have done anything for this to be.. different. For you to have had a life untouched by my selfishness...I'm... sorry.'_

 _Sorry._  Such an empty word. Hardly anyone ever meant it... but he had never been more sincere, saying it. Gravel crunched beneath his feet, as he continued down the path, his cheerless thoughts his only companion.

 _'Well not the only."_ a voice, hauntingly familiar reverberated in his head.

He did not respond. He single-mindedly persisted to his destination. It was one well-known to him. He frequented it, and always left feeling incredibly worse. He stopped, amethyst eyes seeking out his family's crest. The Kiryuu Mausoleum... Following a very worn-out path, he halted finally in front of three tombstones. They had been set slightly apart from the rest, made out of the purest white marble. Roses, that he had had planted to prevent the graves from remaining bare, had twined around them; the colour of blood. The same that had been splattered everywhere the night they were murdered. It was an ethereal sight; the white of the marble with the contrasting blood-red of the roses. He lowered his eyes to the words engraved on them... They were firmly implanted in his mind but he read them again, his thoughts wrapping around their names in a loving caress...  _Ryder Kiryuu, Aria Kiryuu, Ichiru Kiryuu._  His gaze was infinitely lonely, and longing as he knelt down in front of them, laying down the white lilies he carried. How he wished there had been four gravestones instead of three... Then he would not have known such agonizing pain.

"Otou-san, Okaa-san, Imouto." He heard a snort of sorts in his head. He did not acknowledge it. Instead, he inclined his head downwards. He could not stand to see the epitaph any longer... another constant reminder of his bereavement. He didn't know why he came here... It was not as if this had any point. No one was here. Nobody was listening, nobody would answer his calls. He stretched his legs out, sitting in the midst of the graves, leaning against Ichiru's.

 _'I'm not even there, how is it my grave?'_ A scoff.

Younger, he had cried like the child he was, mourned the loss of parents and a brother. Lamented his uselessness that night, never even thinking it could have been his fault. Older now, he knew it had been entirely his. It was  _not_  senseless blame, as Kaien Cross- his parents' friend, and mentor. The man who had adopted him when he had nowhere else to go- had assured him, it infallible truth was that, there was no one else to blame. It was his fault that Ichiru had been tainted, his fault that he had lost his way; his fault that his brother had fallen prey to the seduction of a pureblood, to  _the_ pureblood who had coldly massacred his parents, who had turned him into the very vermin that his parents had abhorred. That he now abhorred.  _Vampire._ He sneered to himself, at himself. He did  _not_  know why he came here. This place reeked of death... all the more so to his heightened senses.

 _'Now that's not true... You come here because you think you_ owe _it to us... to Otou-san, Okaa-san... to me... Aniki'_ The voice achingly familiar, re-entered his head, laughing at him mockingly.

Yes. He had killed... His own brother. Fed off him like the disgusting creature he was, and enjoyed it.

_'Much as i enjoy the blame game, that was no choice of your own. It was mine.'_

He didn't know why Ichiru bothered making him feel better, despite how he despised him.

_'Because you love me, Zero. You never wanted any of this to hurt me. You took my side, always... And, because... even back when... i knew my hatred was unfounded.'_

_'When...'_ Zero's mouth quirked up slightly at the corner, bitterly.  _'When i hadn't killed you, you mean.'_

 _'He finally acknowledges me.'_  Ichiru gave a small smirk.  _'I would have died anyway, brother. Rido saw to that.'_

Zero exhaled sharply. Ichiru's voice was always stronger here, near his remains. It only made more self-hatred course through his veins.

 _'I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself.'_ Ichiru sighed.

' _Although i did this to you...'_

 _'Zero, shut up.'_ His brother's voice was irritated. Zero felt a wave of reminiscence crash over him, an his eyes softened, although barely for an instant.

When his family had been killed in front of his eyes, he had thought it to be the end. What it had really been was a thinly-veiled beginning. The commencing of a life of horror and manipulation, of a pawn in a game of chess, a means to an end; A weapon. And the most dreadful part? He had never even known.

* * *

 

 **A cry**  
**A rush**  
**From one breath**  
**Is all we're waiting for**  
**Sometimes the one we're taking**  
**Changes every one before.**

 **It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't**   
**It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed**   
**Some prayers find an answer**   
**Some prayers never know** **  
** **We're holding on and letting go.**

* * *

 

He would have done anything to turn back time, to change the occurrences of that fateful night. To have his family safe, breathing beside him. Of easier, happier times.

 _'But you can't.'_  Ichiru's voice was soft.

 _'I know.'_ That incident had changed him more than anyone could have realized or understood. He was the same person on the outside, but on the inside, radically different. He was not the Zero his family had known. He hated himself for existing, hated life, hated the  _Kuruizaki-hime_  for annihilating his innocence and childhood, hated the world. Hatred was his fuel for living, a never ending reserve, which stemmed from his own being.  _Vampire._ He snarled at himself, a reminder of what he was. Not that he could or ever would forget. A monster.

 _'Its getting late.'_  Ichiru's voice broke his musing of self-contempt.

He could sense his brothers guilt at the consequences of his actions on him.  _'Don't feel guilty.'_ His voice, even in his own head, was flat.  _'Don't, Ichiru. There's no point. Nothing can be altered.'_

_'... Atoning for my crimes... Why should you be?'_

_'I caused this the day i stole from you.'_

_'You say that as if you did it consciously.'_ Ichiru snorted.

 _Might as well have._ The words remained unsaid, unworded, but the sentiment was clear as day to Ichiru. His memory, residing in his twins mind, shook his head disapprovingly, frowning. Zero lifted himself from his morbid resting place on Ichiru's grave, giving his duster a shake to get rid of the rubble and dirt clinging to it "Goodbye." he said quietly.

 _'No getting rid of me, Zero.'_ Ichiru chuckled.  _'Eternal companion, and all that.'_

_'Its all i need.'_

_'She's waiting for you too.'_ Ichiru added snidely.

 _'No, she's waiting for Kuran.'_  Zero's voice was once again bitter, yet wistful.

Yuuki 'Cross' Kuran. The only woman he had ever loved. Ever would love. Everything he had ever wanted from her kind smile to her gentle hands, to her love and compassion. Her heart.  _And the blood it pumped_. He felt the burning rasp of his throat as the blood-lust flared, consuming him. Fangs elongating, eyes glowing blood red. He didn't need a mirror to know that, he had seen it enough, personally. The stinging pain in his eyes and the aching throb of his incisors as they lengthened and sharpened to something more deadly than a thousand knives, was enough indication. He did not need more proof of the savage he had become. Every day, every single  _fucking_  day, the bestial side of him grew stronger, rearing its ugly head, exposing blood covered fangs. The door to his humanity was shutting fast, whereas the door to his survival, of being a vampire, only swung wider and wider open with every passing minute. Beckoning to him, tempting him to succumb. He would never even fall to a level-E now, thanks to Kaname Kuran's act of  _merciful benevolence_ , for Yuuki's ultimate guardian and protector, his ' _knight'._

He snorted.  _'Only if i don't drain her body dry of blood, myself.'_

 _'You won't.'_  Ichiru's voice was faint, as if exhausted from over-exertion.

Zero longed, nay prayed, for death to claim him. For him to be free of this bloody curse. Falling to level-E would have been extremely convenient, now that Shizuka Hiou was dead, his losses unavenged and unable to be... But Kuran... he had taken that away from him too. He could feel Ichiru's severe dislike at the direction his thoughts were heading, but he did not deign it worth responding to. He  _welcomed_ death, and yet it was never further away from his reach. Almost as far as Yuuki Cross... no Yuuki  _Kuran._ He had clung to her, like a drowning man to a a twig in an ocean, but he realized, even if she didn't that he would only succeed in pulling her under. Down below the crashing tides of his life... So, he did the only thing he could..  _should_  do... He pushed her away. When she held on to him, he turned himself away. No matter how painful it was for him, it was the only way to keep her safe and  _happy._  He let go.

* * *

 

 **Sometimes we're holding angels**  
**And we never even know**  
**Don't know if we'll make it,**  
**But we know,**  
**We just can't let it show**

 **It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't**  
**It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed**  
**Some prayers find an answer**  
**Some prayers never know**  
**We're holding on and letting go**

* * *

 

Everytime he held her close, his ever constant depression started to ebb. Her kindred presence calmed him, soothed him. It made him feel content. It eased his pain, calmed his panic, applied balm to wounds long since infected. She was- as incredibly pathetic, cliche and utopically idealistic as it seemed to say this- an angel. His angel; his saving grace. She had pulled him back from the brink of death and despair, over and over and over again. He had lost count of the exact number of times.

 _"If you have nothing else to do it for, live for **me** , Zero!" _she had shouted, tears welling up in her large, chocolate-brown doe-eyes. Innocent and softhearted to a fault. He had given her an indifferent "Why do you care what happens to me? I deserve to die... I  _want_  to...". A stinging slap had swung his face sideways, then. He remembered turning to her, eyes wide in shock. Tears were streaming in rivulets down her face. She clutched her hand to her chest as if someone else had used it to hit him. Her expression was one of hurt, as if somebody had struck her and not the other way around. He remembered the guilt; he couldn't stand to see her perpetually happy face in this degree of misery... So he had placed his hand on her head, ruffled her hair somewhat affectionately, and walking past her, had whispered "Alright.". The palpable relief off her body had only deepened his guilt... How could anyone hurt someone as fragile and  _good_  as Yuuki?  _'Yet you did.'_  he reminded himself. His twin's thought, although not articulate, expressed wanting to shake some sense into Zero. He felt his lips pull up slightly, ruefully as another apology made it past them.  _'Sorry Yuuki.'_  The violence in Ichiru's thought depicted a desire to bash his head against a wall.

Zero lifted his head to the sky, wincing as the sunlight shot straight into his eye, giving him an instant migraine. It was beginning to set... He had been at the graveyard longer than he realized. He walked back to his adopted family's house in silence. Well almost.

 _'Has anyone told you, you brood too much?'_  Ichiru grumbled.

Zero sighed; ' _Sorry.'_. His reply was listless.

_'Ugh, i don't know why i bother.'_

_'You shouldn't.'_

_'Oh, shut_ up. _'_

His brothers irritation was more pronounced in his words, it reminded him of earlier memories. A smile curved his mouth momentarily, before also being wiped away.

Zero opened the door to the Cross household, silently walking into the living room. His eyes were drawn immediately to Yuuki, sitting next to her  _fiance_. He was looking upon her with amusement and love in his wine-red eyes. Zero did not like him, but he had to admit, rather begrudgingly, that Kaname would never harm a hair on Yuuki's head. She hadn't noticed Zero yet, caught up in the carefree happiness of her tale, but Kuran had. He turned his head to give the silver-haired hunter a polite, courteous nod that he returned tersely. His eyes swept the room, met Kaien's. He saw a flicker of understanding and sympathy there before it was smothered instantly by an exuberant,  _irritating_ cheerfulness.

"My son has finally returned.  _Dad_  is so happy!" Kaien's arms were waving about in the air, making him seem like a bad actor wrapped in a sheet trying to be a ghost. Ichiru snorted at the analogy.

"I am not your son." Zero grumbled, under his breath, looking away. The blonde almost-vampire was somebody Zero would never understand.

"Zero!" Yuuki turned to him, smiling. Her eyes, however, were marred with concern and worry. For him.

"Yuuki." He gave her a small smile, letting his eyes soften ever-so-slightly, just to put her worries to rest, She gave him a small, brief hug, trying to mask her instant relief. He gently disentangled himself from her arms, meaning to head upstairs. All he did was give this girl in front of him grief. He compared her earlier, lighthearted expression from when she was unaware of his presence to now, features markedly worried and sad. All he did was burden her with his issues, and she was far too selfless for her own good; attempting to shoulder his problems, along with her own.

As he left the room, he inadvertently sent one last glance back. She was beginning to relax again, leaning against Kuran's shoulder, talking to him. Dusky amethyst eyes shifted to him; he was stroking her hair, exceedingly gentle, as he was only with her. Zero's eyes flickered once more to Yuuki, taking in her smile.  _'Its for the best...'_ He told himself as he started walking steadily, resolutely away... From her.

* * *

 

 **Yeah, letting go.**..

**Author's Note:**

> Blah.


End file.
